A spiritual life, is not a perfect life…
I believe I am finally wrapping my head around the concept that I don’t have to show up in the world perfect. Over the last 20 years I have relaxed, and released so many iterations of myself. With each version released, the load was indeed lighter, but yet that lingering guilt remained hidden beneath the skin. When I took the leap into building Wind, Water and Wisdom I unknowingly placed more invisible pressure upon myself. Wondering and guessing what people wanted to read about, know about, or what services I could provide that they would need. I seemed to have edited out the part of the plan that this time this business would be deeply personal. I wanted to move from the place of external validation, to a place of internal validation. In order to do just that I need to stop caring so much what others think or perceive of me.
This layer of Martha Stewart perfectionism stems from childhood and some of it serves me quite well, but most of it can be shunned now. The inner voice keeps calling out a bit louder each time simply stating, you are ok just as you are. Find YOUR voice, use YOUR voice I keep reminding myself, but to be honest sometimes I don’t know, or trust that voice. Being a chameleon served me for so long that unburying all the protective layers leaves me tender, vulnerable and honestly scared. When those feeling emerge, I tend to tread backwards into comfortable and familiar patterning, most I have outgrown, or I am well aware is slippery and should be avoided. But I’m human, I’m fallible and if I slip, it is not permanent irreparable damage.
For example, my husband was at a car show last weekend and he had a conversation with another attendee and during that conversation, he shared his wife worked with “energy”, the attendee was very excited to hear this, she even took my card. When I popped into the show later that day my husband wanted to bring me over to introduce her to me, and I immediately shut him down. Why did I say no? That voice inside me starts questioning what will you talk about? You really don’t know what you are doing? Who are you to give advice to others? All this commentary was on level 10 volume drowning out the pure curiosity of meeting someone new that shared a common interest (a missed opportunity). The weekend was filled with more similar experiences of me dimming, rather than shining my light.
When I was getting sober in 2007 my sponsor would say to me often, that each day when you wake up you get a brand-new day, a clean slate to start again. I choose that wisdom today, to have a clean slate, to acknowledge where I could have chosen differently and then I ask for the grace to forgive myself, and for the courage that next time I may choose differently. No beating myself up, no could of, should of, would have nonsense, no thinking I’m less than. Although I did not show up this weekend in the ways I would have loved to, I no longer look to hold myself on a pedestal of never-ending perfection. Instead, I chose me, the ever evolving, ever changing, woman who somedays needs to allow herself to slide off course, so she can see where the new pathways lie.
